The Stadium Pal, for the uninitiated few who have not heard of this miracle/curiosity/atrocity (take your pick), is essentially a portable bathroom for taking a leak. It works by strapping acondom-like apparatus to your manhood, which is connected via a tube to a convenient plastic bag that you strap to your leg. Please remember not to wear shorts while using the Stadium Pal. People get a little jumpy for some reason when you do.
Though opinions of the Stadium Pal range from comic gold (men and small children) to grotesque (women), it has garnered much media attention and has sold rather well. Stadium Pal’s parent company, BioRelief LLC, touts the external catheter as a must have for sporting events, both tailgating and in the stadium, long-distance driving, fishing and hunting (though if you’re hunting can’t you just piss wherever you want?). BioRelief LLC goes on to mention that their product may also be of a benefit to you during certain debaucherous outings such as Oktoberfest, Mardi Gras and New Year’s Eve at Times Square. They specifically mention New Year’s Eve at Time’s Square, but I would wager we could make the leap to New Year’s Eve in Boston or New Year’s Eve at your grandma’s house, et cetera.
Let’s pretend we’re gearing up for the big game, perhaps Auburn vs. Alabama. People watch them right? You’ve got the day planned out. You have your tailgating spot, your grill, your burgers, your beer and perhaps a nice wine cooler in case “that kinda girl” stumbles over, or maybe it’s for your gay friend Steven. Although you think you planned appropriately for the event, six beers in you realize you have to break the seal. What to do!?! Well, if you brought your Stadium Pal you’ll be “relieved” to know that you won’t have to miss any of the fun! Four more beers in you head into the stadium. The game’s going well and you’re having a great time, but who wants to waste time getting up to pee every time a second down attempt takes place? Not this guy for sure. As a bonus, if this story took place at a hockey game, think of how that steaming bag of piss would warm your soul like a piping hot cup of chicken soup.
Now that we’ve discussed its usefulness, we can finally move on to that elephant in the room: that although it’s a cool idea, it’s actually pretty disgusting. Not only do you know you’re wearing a steaming bag of piss on your leg, let’s think for a moment about the physics of piss when in close proximity to others. You’ve been to a stadium bathroom right? Do you remember how the smell just permeates your every being? Now realize that in a stadium, outdoors or not, you’re sitting elbow to elbow with a few of your friends and a whole bunch of people you don’t know, most of which have noses and a few of which may not even be hammered. When you look at the Stadium Pal from this angle, reeking of piss for extended periods of time in an enclosed space with large groups of people doesn’t seem like such a great idea anymore (keep in mind that I’m not drunk right now).